Recently some things happened and I felt my hands were off the wheel. Actions that appeared to be wreckless were actually a realization I was on auto-pilot and I did not set the destination. It was, in fact, my hands taking control.
The problem is I wasn’t a great driver. Who is at first? I crashed the car a few times (figuratively!) So now what?
Once you take control THERE IS NO GOING BACK. Things can’t be like they were. It’s simply not possible. It would be like getting spankings as an adult. I equate this to a role playing game. I feel like I’ve leveled up in life. Sure things are unsettled but I would not want to go back to what I was as recently as a year ago.
Individuation is scary. When public schooling, culture in general and even the structure of the family direct you into roles you are unaware of how much say you don’t have. Now I’m in a place were I can begin to make decisions on particular situation because I WANT to and not because I have to.
Sure we all make stupid or fucked up decisions from time to time. I feel anyone else reaching the same point I have would agree, any book you have on me should be discarded. I’m not setting out to be a shithead. I can and will still compromise. I will be similar to the person you knew. The difference will mainly be in my head. I will not tolerate a large ammount of nonsense. I will not live in fear. I will not fear myself.
That creepy ass Crowley guy wrote on the will of man. I’m not wanting goats fuck my wife like this dude so don’t think I’m going all out fruitcake on y’all. I do like his thinking here.
“On July 31, 1945, he gave a speech to the Agape Lodge in which he attempted to explain how he felt that The Book of the Law could be made relevant to “modern life.” In this, which was subsequently published under the title of “Doing your Will”, he examined the Thelemite concept of True Will, writing that:
- The mainspring of an individual is his creative Will. This Will is the sum of his tendencies, his destiny, his inner truth. It is one with the force that makes the birds sing and flowers bloom; as inevitable as gravity, as implicit as a bowel movement, it informs alike atoms and men and suns.
- To the man who knows this Will, there is no why or why not, no can or cannot; he IS!
- There is no known force that can turn an apple into an alley cat; there is no known force that can turn a man from his Will. This is the triumph of genius; that, surviving the centuries, enlightens the world.
- This force burns in every man.
He identified four obstacles that prevented humans from achieving and performing their True Will, all of which he connected with fear: the fear of incompetence, the fear of the opinion of others, the fear of hurting others, and the fear of insecurity, but he insisted that these must be overcome. He wrote that “The Will must be freed of its fetters. The ruthless examination and destruction of taboos, complexes, frustrations, dislikes, fears and disgusts hostile to the Will is essential to progress.”
Eventually some sort of consistent version of me will be contructed. All this seemingly manic behavior will fade into patterns. Then you folks will see the true comic guy haha.
It’s as simple as that. Get some.